havn't updated my blog for a long time. sometimes, i told myself, i didn't have enough time. sometimes, i told myself, there was nothing to write. but i still had tons of trash to talk with shirley on the phone, tons of time to drive to LA. so, i met myself in the mirror and asked why? finally, i got aa answer, i don't dare to face my life.

 

my life neither sucks nor is splendid. neither depraved nor energetic. then why? what's the reason for a man can't face his own life? like written in sally's nickname, i dislike the life like this. must there be a reason for one to hate something? if yes, i may choose one from mass. that's the environment. i don't mean the natural but people around me. no one is in my situation, i felt isolated.

 

separatedlly, there are two kinds of students around, of course among those i knew. some of them are rich. they don't care about the life, i mean there don't need to worry about how to survive. they are driving fancy cars, wearing fashions, having 3 meals a day though talking trash while thinking of trash. the rest are poor, i don't know why and how they were here, but they were. they lead a simple life, 3 meals a day while talking and thinking of something wired, at least i don't perform in the same way.

 

i'm in the middle, feeling pressure from both side. i want to join the rich group since they are happy everyday, parties, funs, and stuffs i'm dreaming of. however, that's out of my ability. i feel awkward everytime i park my poor truck by their sides. i feel hungry when i wear sunglasses like they do. that's the trade. if you want to reach something out of range, you have to get rid of others. i lose my lunch, or supper. i can only save money in this way. someone consider me as really a wired guy because i have great parents and they got enough money for me. but you know what? they are mean. nobody think so but i do. can you endure everytime, when out of money, mum always say all your calls are for money? i can't. you may ask me to call more. can you endure everytime, when you call, mum always talk about fucking phd trash? i can't. "what's the the big deal? just a permanent head damage, do as she told you." then, who will feed me during the fucking long boring tedious 5~10 years, them?in this little truck? god, give me the salvation!now!

 

everytime i meet the poor guys, they keep asking, "why do you wear this? that's so extravagant!" who the hell told you i am as poor as you are! though i just have 2 meals a day. 我也不知道怎么用英语说他们那种小农意识，但是别来烦我！i can't lead my life up to the sun. but i don't want my life down to the dark. could anyone tell me why i have to be the leading actor of my life. i'm just a little sensitive emotional negative short fat hungry boy.............

 

sorry, i'm little out of mind. i planned to write how i got the first ticket on violation parking. but, who cares. whatever, i'm unhappy and i have to show happy face to others. so, here becomes my little trash bin.

 

sorry for that.

 

by the way, i love these photoes.

i do not know whether it is the right time to talk about this, but i just want to. yesterday, i recieved an email about a job. someone showed me a position working as an engineer on optical devices. she told me a salary of 70~100k could be provided. but i know that's just an email. it means nothing. but that shows the changing is faster the planning, if i could say it that way. also my dream was burning again by the attractive salary.

i want to have my little truck repainted, maybe in yellow or pearl. add air bags, turbo, air conditioner, tachometer, change my seats, paddles, engine, gearbox, blahblahblah. or buy a new nissan 350z, my favorite. i don't need to stay hungry all day along and no need to hear my mum's grouse any more.

what a life! but the truth always act differently. there should be some interviews first, and also i'm a full time student. even if we could place all of these aside, i can not find the keys of my car anywhere. it doesn't mean go out of the topic. i just want to show no matter what a dream you have, the desipience drives you crazy all the time. luckily i have friends who can drive me home at 23:00.

i found a locksmith fix it this morning. he charged me 100 bucks. that's a month's fee for me in china. but at here, 10 minutes.

all the dreams ended with the desperation of losing the key. that's the real life. when you feel yourself significant to the society, the society will show you your naive.

this even happens when one just want to work out an essay tight to the topic but failed in the end.